ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college