Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”