another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
How software testing works
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!