I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up