I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
HELP 😭
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET