(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I’ve been learning to cook.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining