Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Genius idea!!
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.