on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
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me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.