HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
You Might Also Like
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
incredible book dedication
This was my dad’s browser history.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
I hope they boil the right one.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR