CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
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This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one