This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Sounds like a bargain
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.