Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
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“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
meow
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.