today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
October already? What’s next? November????
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.