ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background