Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you鈥檙e right I鈥檓 a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma鈥檃m
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I don鈥檛 think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 馃
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
We don鈥檛 talk enough about Nicholson鈥檚 competent axe technique in The Shining
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses