[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.