When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair