My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
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Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
kevin is now a local weatherman
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?