Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Whoa 😂
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant