(2022)
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WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
a badder mouse
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
an octopus is just a wet spider
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.