How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: đ
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
my dad once complained about âcoming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plateâ so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didnât notice
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasnât made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
đ amazing answer
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Never ever tell yourself âmy idea isnât good enough.â The entire premise of Marmaduke is âwhat if a dog was bigâ and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That canât be good.”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.