Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
You Might Also Like
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic