My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
huge if true: the moon
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.