What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
#parenting
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.