[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.