I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
My therapist after every session
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
But is it really??
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend