The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
THIS HEADLINE
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night