My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.