If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.