JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.