teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
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I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
This fish is cracking me up
HR said no more nunchucks.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Otters drive ottermobiles.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”