why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You Might Also Like
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I put the p in pants.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.