Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I can’t stop laughing at this
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.