why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.