This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
They’re stuck in your pants?
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
eating my hot dog hamburger style
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Wedding planning is organized crime.
What an awful time to have common sense.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.