The more things change, the more they stay the same.
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
hi why am I like this
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out