I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.