Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Story of my life…..
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.