Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.