Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
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Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*