cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.