When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Meow
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Noted.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄