Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
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I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.