Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
it be like that
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?