God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.