*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.