Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
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Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: