TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
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My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.