I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
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Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.