Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I think this cat is broken
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.